I know this isn't the right place to ask for writing help, but I was wondering if some of you would give me some input on these paragraphs. I wrote a scene involving Thoth where he meets the Main Character for the first time and explains how the dieties of old became known as gods and got 'stuck' in the forms in which they are depicted.
I really need some input from those here more than I need from other writers. Any help or thoughts would be great!
Blessed be! Lynn
The color fled from Andrea's face. He was somewhere around seven feet tall with a bulky, but well-balanced physique. His entire body had a downy covering. Strange though was how his round face resembled an ibis right down to his beaked nose and thin, wide mouth. Cream-white feathers grew from the underside of his arms. Spindly fingers with talons for nails extended from elongated hands which gripped a wood staff. Red metal wiring, intricate of design, clutched an unblemished white crystal before it wound down the length of the staff.
"We are also children of the All Father. Mortal call us gods; we are not. I began this existence as spirit energy born of the infinite force you call God. Seeing all that was beautiful upon this earth, I descended as did others. For eons I created a human projection similar to yours. The physical was easily manipulated in those First Days.
"Near the Time of Permanence, Horus and Seth struggled for control of Tamera. Tribunal was convened by Nieth to settle this long-standing dispute. When I judged in favor of Horus, the rightful heir, Seth unleashed his wrath upon the world--and me.
"One harvest day while I walked by the River Nile, he attacked and a fledgling ibis, Maankha," as her name rolled off his tongue, he reflected. His once unwavering emotions yielded like butter to heat. Large lids imprisoned the memories stamped on the outskirts of times past. "She rescued me. Love soon befell my heart and I transformed into an ibis so I could partake of a lifetime as her mate.
"In passing freely from one form to another, our spirits took on aspects of the creatures we inhabited. Those who maintained a strictly human guise became your ancestors. Others, like myself, became the legendary creatures of your era.
"Later, much, much later, the blasphemous Dark Brotherhood, with negativity dimming their spirit-lights, masterminded a process to ensure all beings maintained this physical embodiment by corrupting their purity."
the physical!? was easily manipulated in those days ...
the physical realm? physicality? or is that how he's supposed to speak? not sure what kind of input you're asking for - is there something you're stuck on or are you just asking for opinion on the body of the paragraph?
so far, so good. kirk out
Posts: 541 | From: near d.c. | Registered: Apr 2005
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I got a little confused trying to unpack this, but otherwise, a good scenario. As I understand it, you are describing the time when the Sons of God lusted after the daughters of men. Some spirits took on animal forms, but some remained "human."
But where did the human form come from? Did it already exist in the world? Was it a modification of the ape form? Were they considered to be the ones who kept their purity?
Now comes the Dark Brotherhood. Were these also human form? So did they ensure that all being were frozen in their current manifestations. If so, where are the seven-foot ibises today?
Posts: 813 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Jun 2002
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Just looking for opinions on the paragraph of the body that is unless you catch something that doesn't click right. Like me leaving the s off of mortals. And the Physical realm is something I wouldn't have thought of but is a good idea to add into the sentence.
Yes, I am trying to describe the time when the Sons of God lusted after the daughters of men, sort of. It's slightly different.
I didn't think to add where the human form came from nor if they existed already. This is pre-biblical actually. What I'm really trying to get at is that these energies became the first humans, those who chose that form. Thoth is depicted as an ibis, man, and baboon by the ancient Egyptians so I wanted him to be larger in size because he is a mixture of forms. Thoth is a one of a kind. Ra is shown as man and sun, so he is human in form, but his body is yellow. Bastet is part cat, etc. The form they inhabited the most is the dominant from they maintain. They can switch freely between these forms only. Some 'dieties' will be larger than life. I'm also incorporating the idea that some men were giants and others were elf size. All mythogical creatures are welcome. Giant beasts are leftovers from the dinosaurs and prehistoric mammals. Guess I could make 'humans' a modified form of the Neanderthal that existed at the time.
Dark Brotherhood = Sons of Belial. Some are human, some dragon-like, and others are giants. (Like Loki). Most of the information comes out in the second novel. I'm just trying to get basic storylines into the first without diving too deep into the subject. A general overview if you will.
And what confused you in the beginning? Do you see something that may make it stronger in getting my point across? I'm all ears for improvement suggestions.
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